I need a Fiat.
I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore, but if there are any donors out there... I could use a donated Fiat. :) Yes, I definitely need help getting a car and a Fiat would be an awesome option. And at some point if jobs or donors or something works out I can buy myself a junker (or a Fiat:) ). My first thought this morning is still about my Jesus, but it is always followed by a 'Jesus, I need a car to get to Mass!' If I had a car I'd be free to live what He asked of me. I don't even know where to start with that one... I never dreamed I'd be stuck in such a situation. Who in the world can I reach who might love me enough to help me get a car? Highly doubt anyone would love me with a Fiat car (I still can't figure out where my mail is going), but it would be fun considering my true vocation:
(Its actually kinda cute too.)
But I'm not necessarily talking about cars. I'm talking about that grace Jesus gives to Fiat when the world is wicked and cruel. I'm talking about Our Lady's Fiat, 'I am the handmaiden of the Lord, be it done to me according to Your word.' And I'm talking about Jesus' Fiat, 'Not My will, Father, but Thy will be done.' Our little fiats and surrenders in life fall somewhere in between these. (For a better explanation of 'Fiat' click here.) There are different kinds of Fiats.
1. The pretty, little, simple fiat:
There is that pretty little word we whisper when we wanted chocolate coffee and we only have vanilla. Oh well, not a huge deal, 'Fiat.' Or like this morning that started out finally put back together and within an hour side-slammed. (You are not supposed to tackle girls, people- even spiritually). But okay... nothing a simple, little, pretty fiat can't fix. Nice little sacrifice for Jesus:
3.) Then there is Jesus' Fiat... of the Cross. That is the messy, ugly Fiat. Its that groan of the heart when you still can't speak... or you are just tired of 'crying it out ignored.' Its the Fiat of a broken heart. 'I needed you Father... I called... and you didn't care to come. I was left alone afraid in the dark needing help and no one loved me.' That is what happens when people lie, cheat, steal, murder, manipulate... when they treat you as a piece of meat to buy and sell and torture and control and destroy -and you are left alone on the Cross. Yes, that happens. It happens to me more and more as the years go on... even as I write this post someone is hacking my account blocking me from MY OWN BLOG! (Who is doing this??!! Didn't anyone listen to the third grade teacher who taught us 'Keep your eyes on your own work')? But that's when I need to borrow the Fiat of Jesus crucified... the Fiat of feet bound by satan but trusting that the Father will undo the massacre and someday restore what He began. (That's where I am... with Jesus' crucified feet.):
4.) There's the empty Fiat of a hollowed out heart. When the world drills a hole in your heart, sucks out all that you have to give and then punches you in the face telling you to leave. That empty heart of Jesus crucified that still managed to give us Divine Love, Life and Heaven. Sweet Jesus, make my empty, hollow Fiat as fruitful as your own.
5.) And now the Borrowed Fiat. That's what I need today -to borrow a Fiat. I'm out of Fiats. Yes, I still need a car :), but I'm talking spiritually. There is the time when all our spiritual strength is crushed out of us and we don't even have that voice left to say 'Fiat.' That's when we need to borrow one. That's when I ask Mary and Jesus to say 'Fiat' for me -when I have no strength to even surrender anymore. And most of the time, Jesus and Mary give me their own Hearts and grace. That's how this is supposed to work. I give them my empty problems and they give me their big Fiat Grace. An exchange of Hearts (they are in Heaven where the fountain never runs dry, so somehow the mystery works.)
But sometimes we need to borrow the fiat of a person too... our neighbor... of our brother, our sister, our spiritual friend, our pastor or priest... (of a golfer passing a hermitage retreat who is kind instead of heckling me) or 'Crazy Aunt Mary' as the kids always joked. Sometimes we need to throw our messy life before a heart who loves without reason, without boundaries... who will literally sit in the swamp with us for hours and then help us make sense of it all. Who will 'lend us their Fiat' when ours is broken. I remember a religious sister who was struggling once and asked to meet with me -after three hours of spewing her entire life at me she said, "I can't believe you just sat here for three hours listening -my superior would have cut me off at an hour." But I told her I understand... moms and sisters don't cut off a crying heart and sometimes you have to clean out every drawer of the bedroom to reorganize. That's what spiritually we were doing. And at the end, I could point out some sense in the entire matter and she left knowing that I loved. I gave what I knew sometimes I needed. "Do unto others as they would do unto you." Its the difference between being a spiritual director and a spiritual sister, aunt or mom. (In Irish spiritual directors used to be called 'Friends of the soul'). Its because Love understands, moves and changes the heart... and love is something that opens and is shown in time... but I guess that is a post for another day. I've met very few people with such patience and love to do this with my complicated life, but there have been a few priests, a sibling here or there, etc., who week after week let me borrow their fiat. One priest would let me pummel him with my splinters of the cross for an hour in the confessional and then after making a few good points to organize the mess, would lend me his Fiat. (Lord, bless this poor faithful soul.)
So yes, I actually really need a car and I would really love a Fiat and I would really really love a brown one that is more station wagony then a bubble... but I would be happy with a Jesus Fiat of Grace big enough to pick me up and take me where I need to be to meet His Bleeding Eucharistic Heart on Calvary today. If you meet a frustrated or broken soul today, try to take a breath and 'lend them your Fiat.' (If they need a car, offer them your car -and if they need a cup of coffee, offer that as well, and if they need your apology, try the act of humility... but never refuse to lend them your prayers and 'a Fiat.') When a child gets lice and needs Aunt Mary's help, we all fiat, we all wash our hair so no one feels bad, and then we all smile big:
There are times in life we all need to hold each others' Fiats so we don't fall... I mean, hold each others' hands... and sometimes a child's fiat is truly the best medicine.
"I don't care what they say, Aunt Mary... I am NEVER leaving you and we can just say 'Fiat' and it will be better. Can we play a game together?" -I can't tell you the strength that little guy gave me that day simply by his furrowed brow and love. Never fear to say, 'Can you lend me your Fiat?'
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