It was the Fall of 2001 or the Spring of 2002 -all time runs together when I think back to those two years I spent smack in the center of Eastern Siberia. I had been put on a bus for the first time alone -shipped off 150 miles or so to the Sisters in Achinsk to help out on some sort of retreat they were having. I don't remember which specific event in Achinsk this bus ride correlates with -but I do remember being nervous, especially since my Russian was still very poor and I was quite unsure at which stop I had to exit. I sat squished up against a window with my big backpack on my lap -I was too afraid and too weak to try to push it into an overhead compartment. I watched as the endless line of people started cramming into the bus, wondering who would be next to me for the 2 1/2 hour ride. A young kid -in his second or third year of college if I remember correctly -wearing a leather jacket (looking a bit like the Fonzarelli) stopped next to my seat saying ever so politely, 'Hey, girl, I'm wit' you!' in perfect street Russian. I was petrified.
First, he was talking to me (I was
assured that nobody talks in buses in Russia) -and I feared that as soon as I
opened my mouth to speak my secret would be given away -he (and everyone else
around me) would know that I was an American girl alone on a bus in the middle
of Siberia. I smiled and tried not to draw attention to myself. I was a
missionary, but I had been strictly warned and therefore already decided early
on that young men (most men in general, actually) were not my 'mission' in any
way but prayer. It was just way too dangerous. I smiled at this young guy and
nodded -and then he asked me a question and I thought, 'Oh no, I have to
speak.' He offered to put my huge bag in an overhead bin. I whispered 'Spaceeba'
(meaning, 'Thank you') and handed my possessions off for him to pass and
squish wherever he could find a place. 'O Lord, just don't make me
talk,' I prayed. I thought if I just looked out my dirty window and
prayed, God would lead our 'non-conversation.' But about 3 decades into my
Rosary, the kid threw out a question. Looking at my Rosary he asked if I was
one of those God-believing people. Then he asked me if God's existence was
something I could prove. He asked if God had a place for him, or if he was just
too evil. Then he asked if God gave second chances.
I talked to him for the entire ride
that afternoon -in very broken Russian to a lost and very broken heart. I told
him about Jesus' forgiveness, about Mary Magdalene and about the Catholic (and
Orthodox) Sacrament of Confession. He was absolutely amazed. When he asked
about what choices he should make in life, how he could know God's will, how he
could know the 'right thing to do' -God guided my eyes to look out the window.
And this became the example I gave to my Russian 'little brother.'
'Look out my window,' I told him. 'What can you see?'
'Nothing,' he answered, 'Its too dirty to see anything.'
'Exactly,' I responded. 'If the window is full of dirt,
you see nothing. But look out the front window, the one the driver is looking
through. He keeps washing it off, and so you can see the great beauty around us
through that window.'
He liked the example.
'Your heart is like that window,' I told him. 'When it is full of 'dirt' -the bad
decisions you've made, the sin, the weakness and falls and wounds -then you
can't see God and His Love trying to fill you and His Light trying to guide
you. You have to 'clean your heart' -just like that window -to see all the
beauty of His Love, His plan for you. He has a plan -to pull you from the pit
you are in now -but you must take the jump, the risk, and clean off your heart
-and then you will see for yourself.'
How true is this same idea for all
of us today. How often in my own life have I seen that the more I go to
Confession, the more I begin to see little failings I missed before. Once the
big sins are removed, the little specks of dirt become more glaring -and by
apologizing to Jesus for these, too, and by allowing Him to wipe them away -my
vision is made to be more like His. And the cleaner my heart is, the more
purely His Love can flow forth to others through me.
I think of this often as I weed.
The weeds choke the flowers
-sometimes their root systems are completely interlocked. But as I remove the
weeds, careful not to disturb the flowers, within days the flowers begin to
fill out, to grow leaps and bounds. And as sin is regularly uprooted in our
hearts through Confession, the flowers of God's gifts can explode in our lives.
Once I get the big weeds, the little ones become visible to me. And I
continually go back in the evenings to grab the little one here or the hidden
one there that I missed. Its much easier to weed this way than to wait until
everything is overgrown.
Confession is the most amazing
Sacrament for us sinners here on earth. Baptism makes us children of God, but
Confession can be renewed over and over again each time we fall in human
weakness.There is no sin too great for Jesus -when we are sorry for our
failings, He will always wipe them away without question. And then we get to go
on living with a light heart, a peaceful smile to others around us, and with
renewed vision of Truth. We cannot see Truth clearly through the dirt of sin on
the window of our hearts.
We must not let His suffering be for
nought.
We mustn't leave His blood to be
wasted on the ground.
We must let His Blood wash us in the
priest's words in absolution. His red blood will make our hearts white, clear.
How sad for one to love and give so much, just for His gift to be ignored. The
more we 'use' the gift He gives us of forgiveness, the more we give joy to the
Heart of God.
So, please remember to go to
Confession. Often. If it has been a long time, it might be hard to find the
courage to step up and go -but how wonderful it will feel afterwards to be
free, and there is no sin you can say that a priest has not heard over and over
again. Blessed JPII went daily -not because he had big sins, but because He
wanted to be perfect in Love. I promise that if someone not accustomed to going
to Confession weekly or every two weeks begins this practice, their lives will
be totally changed. For a heart empty of sin is able to receive God's graces
MUCH MORE ABUNDANTLY than one that is dirty. God pours out His graces on all,
but we have to make sure we have the freedom to 'catch them' -and this happens
through Confession. Invite someone whose been away from the Sacrament back to
it this week. For as we learned from Johnny, none of us knows the day nor the
hour of our death. And we want to keep our hands open and free from sin to
receive the Mercy of Jesus as He offers it.
Be Courageous today! Go and clean
the window of your heart in a way you've never done before. Confess sins you never
dared, or mention weaknesses that are not necessary to mention in Confession,
but helpful in making you pure. If you start to make true order in your heart,
you will be amazed at the beauty you begin to find right before your eyes. The
image of the broken, dirty window above, can be changed to this image of your
heart below:
And if you are a practicer of
frequent Confession, please pray for all those who neglect or do not understand
the deep riches of this Sacrament. So many wounds would be healed, relationships
would be mended, families would be strengthened, peace would spread in all the
world -if only people approached the Sacrament more often.
'A broken,
humbled heart, O Lord, you will not scorn.'
-(Psalm 51:19)
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