The Heart of Crucified Love: Johnny Johnny

It has now been 12 years since Johnny died… I’ll just post something from several years ago –the sentiments in my heart regarding him have not changed. In fact, over the past few years of struggle, I am even more grateful to that kid for fighting hard for me from heaven.

No, he was not perfect –who is? "May those without sin cast the first stone...' Johnny’s wisdom came in the fact he knew he was not perfect and was not too proud to ask forgiveness.

Jesus we trust in You. +

TUESDAY, APRIL 19, 2011

Johnny Johnny ...

Six years ago tonight -Tuesday, April 19th, 2005 -changed the Kloskas more than any other event in our family history. The youngest of the 'Kloska Clan' was the first to meet Jesus face to Face. (Johnny actually died early Wednesday morning, April 20th -just after midnight.) Talk about a true living out of Jesus' words, 'The first shall be last, and the last shall be first.' Johnny was the last child added to our family -the last of our foster children, the last of my brothers -but in many ways God made him the 'first' in my heart as well -for Jesus has always called me to love 'the most' those who need the most love. Johnny has taught me more about life, death, God, virtue, genuine love and sacrifice than anyone else in our family has -simply through the experience of his presence in my life. He demanded 'smiling, sacrificial love' from me -and sharing this with him was a powerful source of grace for me. Funny how God chooses the most inconspicuous people, sometimes, to teach us the greatest lessons.

The night Johnny died is etched so clearly into my mind -how I yelled upstairs asking him if he wanted to eat with us before he left to go say 'goodbye' to his friends and co-workers at Perkins (as he was planning the following week to leave for the Army). The offer of ribs was tempting for him, but in the end he asked me if I could instead leave immediately to take him to the restaurant -he had just had his 'goodbye talk' with Dad, and did not think he could handle the emotions of a dinner. He really loved his family in his own simple way.

We talked about the new Pope on our drive -and said goodbye -although I'm sure he did not hear me when I yelled, 'Love you!' as he slammed the door. I went home, ate dinner, went to bed and began to pray. What would happen to this little brother of mine when he left for the 'real world' the following week? He was so simple at heart -only wanting to receive and give love (although the way he sought this out at times was confused). And this simple heart was his greatest weakness (always being 'caught' for any mistake he made), but also his greatest strength. For in his simplicity -he opened himself wide before God to His mercy. Johnny never doubted the mercy of God's Love, and he knew he needed it desperately. Johnny had no pride -he knew his weaknesses (even publicly announcing them at times), and he trusted greatly (even arguably recklessly) at times in that mercy of God. Yet because of his humility and trust, he had a claim on Jesus' mercy that would end up saving his soul eternally.

And so I prayed that night -asking God to 'take Johnny' into His arms of love -and to save him. As many times I had prayed before, I asked Jesus to take John to Himself in whatever way was necessary just to make sure he was safe, that he could be with God forever in eternity. I never expected this to be done in death -although from the moment I opened the door to the police in the middle of that night -I kept repeating simply the words, 'Mercy. Mercy. Mercy.' It must have been the Holy Spirit praying and fiating in me.

We all agree in our family (I think) that Johnny's death was a great gift of God's severe mercy. As he prayed at the retreat with me in Poland the previous summer, literally crying out to God -begging Him to save him, to 'win' in the battle for his soul -God answered Johnny's prayer that night. His death is a relief to me in that I am sure -positive to the bottom core of my soul -that he is with Jesus, resting (and dancing/singing/joking around the way he would) in heaven. And yet, as I fall to sleep at night in the bed that used to be his, in the room where his music used to blare (and annoy me) -I miss him.

This past fall -as I was in Russia -I had an amazing dream, though. And this, once again, reminded me of who Johnny was in my life -and how we will meet again (but in a much deeper, fuller love) in heaven. In this dream I saw Johnny so clearly -he had come back to life as a little child and was running to me, full of light, yet he had wet his pants. I went to help change his clothes, and suddenly he was a man, yet Jesus could be seen in His glory within him and Johnny bore Jesus' wounds. People were around us, but no one noticed how 'alive' Johnny was, and no one else saw Jesus' wounds in Johnny as I did. And as Johnny's white t-shirt began to bleed red from a hidden wound of his heart, John lifted his shirt and I kissed the wound in his chest, and then Johnny 'breathed out his last' once again praying with and in Jesus on the Cross, 'Father, into your hands I commend my spirit.' Then he was in heaven again, and I knew I had to go tell my family that Johnny had risen from the dead, but had died again in Jesus into eternal life. I still see this all before my heart as clearly today as I did the morning I woke up last October.

(This picture is one I painted for Johnny when I was in Russia in 2001 -to teach him how his sufferings in life were united to Jesus' sufferings on the Cross).

The lesson for me in it all? 'Whatsoever you do to the least of your brothers, you do unto Me.' Johnny was not perfect, yet neither are ANY of us. And the key as to why someone as imperfect as him could 'steal heaven' at 20 years of age like the 'good thief' did dying next to Jesus on the Cross, was that Johnny KNEW his faults, and ALWAYS admitted them, asking for mercy, forgiveness, and especially love. Even when he was in trouble at 17 or 18 -years of age, he would cry to me, asking me to take him immediately to Confession, and to 'please, just love me, Mary.' How beautiful was his heart that powerfully desired God's merciful love -especially in the midst of faults. He was the penitent child, in the back of the Church, constantly praying, 'Have mercy on me, God, a sinner.' It would be easy for us to judge John -but I don't think he even had responsibility for many of his 'public faults.' I think God made Johnny weak, in order to teach us as a family how to really love -not when its easy, not when the cross is light -but how to love when it is difficult, and how to carry our brother's cross when it was heavy. Johnny taught our family humility, mercy, joy, and great love. And this is a greater gift, than any 'perfect sibling' who has nothing to need from us. I am -and will always be -unremittingly grateful to God -for the precious gift of my 13th sibling, my 6th brother.

Where would Johnny have been today without the love of our family -in all its crazy uniqueness? And how many other children are like John in the world -needing a hand of love and mercy to reach down and help them step out of the mire, in order to find Jesus on the Way of the Cross with them? If you loved Johnny like our family did (and does) even until today -please not only remember to pray for him, for his birth family who so generously gave him to us (instead of killing him in abortion), but also for all those other 'little Johnny's' in the world right now, who need a big family's radical generosity, mercy and love. I know that as Christians we are called to 'find Christ' in others in the world. But I'll tell you a little secret of mine: just as I truly saw Jesus (in all his woundedness) within John, so often when I cuddle an abandoned little one in the world (in Africa, in Russia, even right here in the US) -I feel like I'm 'loving Johnny' in them. Just as Jesus taught me to love John exactly as my other birth siblings, so too, He has taught me now to 'love John' in all the little 'strangers' I meet in the world. Johnny always begged me to take him to visit Africa one day when he 'grew up.' And in a mysterious way I have -for the love Johnny drew out of my heart, I am now able to share with his 'little African sisters and brothers.' And so in a spiritual way, Johnny truly 'traveled' with me.