The Tower of Babel and the Language of Crucified Love

Original post: WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 05, 2009

The Tower of Babel and the Language of Crucified Love

No matter how I try to fix the font in this post -I can't do it. Sorry for the imperfection... its sort of funny because it illustrates the point of my post -the exterior form (or perfection) of words are not as important as the Love within them.

A great way to grow in humility is to try to learn another language. Suddenly intelligence is relative –you can be filled with the most sublime thoughts, the funniest jokes, the most practical answers and yet these are nothing if when you open your mouth you cannot communicate them with words. I remember when I first arrived in Siberia in 2001. I could not understand or speak Russian at all – and walking down the street I was totally humiliated when I watched a man scream something at a dog and it obeyed. I thought, “Even that dog knows Russian better than me!” And although now I can communicate better in Russian than I could at the beginning –the more you know, the more you realize you don’t know. The more you try, the more you simply fail in speaking perfectly. And there comes a point when you just have to accept that you are a little child in whatever new language you are trying to speak –and you must accept with humility that no matter how hard you work or how long you live in a country –you will never know the language as well as a native. You will always be looked at with a funny smirk because you are ‘a foreigner.’

We must all seek to be little children (for Jesus said, “Unless you become like a little child, you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven.”) And nothing has helped me in this process of growing littler than living in new cultures and trying to speak new languages. Suddenly I am a little child. I understand only as a child and I speak only as a child. I must simplify my thoughts because I cannot express ‘big words.’ And the humiliations that I encounter everyday (when people laugh at me or rip on me for making mistakes in my speech) remind me so clearly of my ‘nothingness.’ 

I remember when Adas and Dominik were born in Poland. And now, just three and two years later, they both know Polish better than me and they are my ‘teachers.’ Language has made me even ‘younger’ than them. As I read Adas a book (and struggle to sound out a long word with 15 constantans in a row) he guesses what I’m trying to say and helps me. Or when I am speaking and come to a word I do not know and say, ‘Oh Adas, Aunty Mary does not know that word…’ He patiently (and seriously) looks at me and (properly guessing what I was trying to say from the context of our conversation) says (for example), ‘Lightning… li-ght-ning… repeat after me, Aunt Mary, li-ght-ning –very good!’ I am constantly reminded by voices around me (in my mind and from others) that these children have only existed for a few years and they already speak so much better than me. And yet, I’ve come to thank Jesus for my weakness. I’m just not smart in languages –it’s the truth –the Holy Spirit helps me sometimes, yes, but in general its just not my gift. And if I accept that in littleness and humility then I am able to use this weakness as a ladder to help me grow closer to God. My inability to communicate well in language makes me need and depend on Him to communicate for me through Love.

This summer has been extremely difficult in regards to language, and yet a great blessing for my spiritual life. At first I was in the Philippines –a country that speaks English in theory, but whose street people only know Tagalog. Yet I was amazed at how much the people did not care at all if I understood them –they smiled and talked and talked with me for as long as I would listen. They were like children and the love in their hearts was simple enough for us to communicate. Their love was more important than the words themselves. 

Then I arrived in Poland. I had not been there in 10 months –and thankfully Sr. Eva (the Claretian sister in Warsaw who met me at the airport) was patient enough to help me ‘remember Polish’ as we drove back to the convent. After a week I was doing okay with it, but then I went to France for the ordinations I wrote about earlier. The brothers sent a girl to pick me up from the airport, and she brought me to the Brazilian community where I would be staying. I spent the next 24 hours completely alone with the Brazilians –basically unable to communicate since they really only spoke French and Brazilian. I did not know where or how to find the Brothers and I was pretty lost. But the love this community showed me (despite not being able to speak much in words) spoke more to me than all the words people later spoke to me that weekend. This ‘gift’ of being trapped without language and simply left alone with Jesus showed me how much His Love was worth suffering for and with. In the silence I met with His rejection, abandonment, mockery, etc. on the Cross. Although painful to the senses, His silence profoundly filled my heart with His presence in a way I could not have experienced if I had had the comfort of friends, understanding and words. And the Cross I suffered in all this I could offer for those being ordained.

When I arrived in Russia a few weeks ago, poor Fr. Dariusz met with a very linguistically mixed-up Mary. I had only slept a couple of hours in over 2 days and suddenly everything came out of my mouth in Polish instead of Russian. After a few days I finally got Russian down –yet I was surprised when I gave a talk to the parish and afterwards people said different things to me regarding my language. Most said that what they heard from me was perfect (even grammatically) –no different than a Russian (and I knew that this was not true). Yet others who heard me speak came and told me how horrible and incorrect my language was –sometimes saying they did not understand. God used my weakness in language in two ways (one –to fill it with His perfection and Love –and therefore others heard the Holy Spirit ‘speaking perfectly’ –and secondly to teach me humility –to unite me with Him on the Cross as others ripped on me). This once again showed me how only those listening in Love, in the Holy Spirit, could hear and understand what God wanted to speak to their hearts. The others ‘heard but did not understand.’ (Mt…) When I reflected on this, I remembered how often even those who spoke my same language did not understand because their hearts listened without love… and so this was true in foreign places as well. One priest in Russia said to me, "Masha (what they called me), people will only understand you to the degree they love you." Perhaps... Two years previously I had given a long retreat and these women in Achinsk had no problem... but they really loved... True humility and Love can do wonders.

After spending a few days in Krasnojarsk, I traveled to Achinsk where I was surprised to find out that in addition to Sr. Tatiana (Russian) and Sister Boshena (Polish) there was also a new Sister Immaculata (Italian) –and she only spoke Italian. Although I studied Italian at Notre Dame, I had not tried to speak it in over 12 years… and it was a huge chore. Suddenly everything came out of my mouth in Spanish (Sister thought it was ‘really bad Italian’). Yet I was surprised again a few days ago when the sisters entrusted Sr. Immaculata to my translating care alone in Krasnoyarsk and somehow God helped me be able to speak with her and help others to speak with her.

Oh, the lessons with language continued… After a week with the sisters in Achinsk I was excited when a young girl from the parish wanted to come visit with me. I thought since I knew her well and I could speak Russian with her that God would easily help me to speak something to her heart. Yet when she arrived she sat for two hours in silence –she was so wounded by life that she refused to speak. Once again –communication was crucified and I had to depend totally on God’s love coming from my heart to reach her. But by the end, she took the skittles I bought her and wrote this on the table... 

...and we were happy.

After this I began to start meditating on what God was trying to teach me through all of this.

I know that God answers every prayer we pray sooner or later. And I set to really begging Him for the gift to understand and speak Polish, Russian and Italian well. I knew my weakness in these languages but I also knew that God sent me here to teach others His way of crucified Love –and I thought the gift of language was necessary to do this. The Holy Spirit can give this gift in our lives as He gave it to the Apostles at Pentecost. There have been times in my life I have understood foreign languages miraculously (like in Hungry) or when others say they heard me speak perfectly in their language when I did not. But the more I prayed about this (in desperation) Jesus began to answer me in His Own usual way –with an answer from the Cross. He did not want for me to speak well –He wanted for me to let my language be crucified –for it to be the cause of others’ ridicule, misunderstanding, ignoring and criticism every day. I wanted to be able to speak in these languages in order to speak of His Love as He has asked of me, but instead He showed me that the ‘word’ He wants to speak is that of silence, of crucified Love, of something deeper than my words can say. He wants me to fiat in silence (when I would want to speak) offering this for those He desires to feed with His Love. It is more important for Him that I am a child in humility and weakness, than for me to be ‘understood,’ ‘accepted,’ or ‘respected’ because of my words. As I sat in our Italian lesson one day it all became so clear –He could (and would) answer my prayer if I wanted it, but He was also offering me something deeper (if I would choose to accept this chalice in fiat), He was offering an answer that was ‘better’ than my will and prayer – and this was His cup of suffering Love, of accepting defeat, imperfection and the cross in order to allow His Love to be bigger in it. For His Love would speak loud enough by my life.

These lessons of language and the cross are hard –or they can be hard –if I look at myself. But if I look at the immense depths of Jesus’ crucified, merciful Love staring down at me from the Cross –suddenly nothing is difficult and all my struggles disappear in a great desire to jump into that Heart to join Him, to be made one with Him by choosing suffering over success, being misunderstood over being accepted and loved, being rejected and forgotten instead of being embraced and loved. If such human struggles enable me to be embraced by Him –then they are worth all I have endured and even 1000 more little deaths daily. 

After I wrote this I thought it was stupid and too long to post –but since the blog has been slow lately (except Jen and Joey’s great posts!) I thought maybe it was a nudge from God that someone would be helped by reading this. Fiat fiat fiat +

*** NOTE May 16, 2017 -This post is very timely. Somehow, no matter what I clearly speak here in America, people, too, hear and repeat something totally different... I guess Jesus is taking this gift deeper by making all who I love the most misunderstand me as well. I guess Fr. D's advice in Russia was true... 'Pray that they truly love you more, because it is only when people love you that they hear you correctly and understand you... its a Holy Spirit thing.' Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of Your people here and fill them with the fire of Your Love... Jesus I trust in You. +