Happy Feast of the Visitation +

"The meek will inherit the earth." 

Holy Foolishness!

MONDAY, JUNE 24, 2013

Holy Foolishness

I double dog dare you to walk barefoot with Jesus in this world of shoes.

Love Him enough to Be a Holy Fool. (Click for link to post).

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 02, 2012

Fools for Jesus! +

(Click on the picture to enlarge.)

Some people say we are crazy for having such a big family -I'm sure my parents as well as each of my siblings and siblings-in-law could make a long list of hilarious (and rude) comments they have received about their own or their relatives' families. But I know we all would agree that (besides our faith) there is no greater gift than the 'built-in best friends' we have in each other. When the going gets tough, we can always count on love, support, help and prayers from our families. All we have to do is have the humility to ask and someone jumps to the rescue (be it a grandparent to listen, a brother to help move, a sister to cook a meal, a niece to babysit, a nephew to cut the lawn, etc.). One more example of how the 'foolishness of God is wiser than all human wisdom.' 

This picture of our family (minus a nephew, a niece and the 6 babies to be born in these next 7 months) reminded me of a homily I read by Bishop Rhoades when he was still Bishop of Harrisburg. It was given to home-schooled families, but is applicable to all Christians who walk the 'narrow way' following Christ unto the 'folly of the Cross, the folly of Love.' Big families are one example of such radical, 'crazy' love and trust in God. They are considered impractical in today's world, and having multiple children seems 'too much of a bother' to many who center their lives around their own comforts, desires and needs. Yet, even though at times it is hard to be stretched by love between so many people, it feels great to know our hearts are enlarged to receive greater graces from the sacrifice, as well as to know that we are supported and surrounded by so great a number. We each have different gifts -as each member of the mystical body of Christ makes up a unique part of the whole. We each have different weaknesses -which help us be united as we allow these needs to be filled by others' gifts. And as I look at all of the pictures of you guys dancing at Jeff and Amy's wedding (after Lucy and I took the babies home) -I see how fun such 'foolish love' can be! I thank God nightly for each of you -and pray for all your needs, your protection, your holiness before I go to sleep. Its my little contribution... since my only gift is prayer. And I thank you for all you have done for me over the years -especially sharing your families and little ones (so full of wisdom, joy and love) with my life. We are so blessed -and I'm often reminded of how this blessedness is taken for granted when others tell me they long to have faith-filled siblings to turn to in their problems of life. ("You don't realize how lucky you are, Mary," they say... "Most people do not have the strong Catholic support you do in your family.") Anyway, here's a little excerpt from Bishop's homily -but you can click here to read the whole thing if you want. I love being a 'foolish Kloska' for Christ with you all... I learned my foolishness first at home with you. Thank you -its the best lesson I ever learned.

Bishop Kevin Rhoades -Diocese of Harrisburg, January 21, 2006:

"...Perhaps, because of your counter-cultural choices, you have felt a little like Jesus in today’s Gospel. Our Lord’s relatives said Jesus was out of his mind. You have probably heard some criticism from others because of your commitment to the faith and to home-schooling. Jesus’ relatives, like many people today, were too worldly minded. They regarded Jesus’ total commitment to building the kingdom as excessive. People thought Jesus insane for His complete dedication to His mission from the Father and for his lifestyle: His poverty, His celibate chastity, His life of prayer and loving service. Many who follow Jesus’ example – think for example of many saints – have been taken for madmen. They were 'mad' in a sense.

"Saint Paul called himself 'a fool for Christ.' Saint Francis considered himself 'God’s troubadour.' The saints were insane – insane with love for Jesus Christ and His Church.

"One of these great saints crazy with love for Jesus was the virgin and martyr Saint Agnes, whose feast we celebrate today. Her contemporaries surely thought she was crazy. In the materialistic and decadent Roman culture of the late third century, a culture not so unlike our own, Agnes, born of a wealthy Roman family, and known for her physical beauty, resolved as a young girl to live a life of purity, consecrating her virginity to God. Like Jesus’ relatives said of Jesus: 'He is out of his mind,' Agnes’ relatives probably said the same about her. One of the young men attracted to her beauty and upset that she rebuffed his advances, reported her as a Christian to the authorities. She was arrested and confined to a house of prostitution. Still, even when threatened with torture, she was not intimidated. She retained her purity. She suffered martyrdom, most likely beheaded, at the young age of 12 or 13. Popular devotion to her quickly grew and Constantine’s daughter had a basilica built in honor of Saint Agnes over the catacombs where she was buried.

"I say to all the children and young people here, holiness doesn’t depend on length of years. There are many young saints like Agnes. Holiness is a gift that God offered to Agnes and offers to you and to me. Just think of young Agnes’ great courage – it seems to surpass our human nature. But the Holy Spirit was with her. God gave her the grace to be chaste, to be courageous, to be faithful, to be a virgin and a martyr. May her prayers help you to imitate her virtues in a culture not that unlike late 3rd century Roman culture. Agnes’ external beauty was one thing. Her internal – her beautiful soul – was something else. And that’s what really matters.

"Even if others think we’re crazy for wanting to follow Jesus and to be faithful to the virtues of the Gospel, we can take heart that many thought the same about the saints and about Jesus Himself.

"May we never be afraid to be fools for Christ!"

MONDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2007

A Holy Fool

"... to be a fool for Christ's sake is first of all to love him passionately, above all else, and to be recognized as one in his service, as one of his companions.

"It also means to have immense courage. I have a favorite prayer which seems to fit here: 'Lord, give me the heart of a child and the awesome courage to live it out as an adult.' It seems to fit, because only a child, that is, an adult person with a childlike heart, can become a fool for Christ's sake.

"This means to face ridicule, to be singular in a manner of speaking, to be a non-conformist. Each one of these things are, until one absorbs them slowly and lovingly, like a sword in one's heart; and for a long time they are the essence of our struggle with God. Because Christ was a fool in men's eyes we have to have the courage to be foolish as he was. Non-conformity involves remaining exposed to ridicule, and takes courage...

 

"We are asked to imitate Jesus Christ. Can you imagine anything more foolish than hanging on cross? Is anything more foolish than spending years as a carpenter when you are God? Is anything more foolish than spending your time talking with ordinary people, when the world is your oyster, for you created it? What God said to St. Francis (and to each of us) is: 'Be like Me.'

"Anything and everything we do must be approached with the foolishness of God. We must approach everything with prayer and a sort of identification with Christ. We must always ask him, 'What would you do in this situation or that, which is facing us today?'

"Lord, you always seem to ask more from us. We must be fools about money; We must give away whatever we don't really need. We must be detached from it and rely on you.

"...Sometimes what we are asked to live or to do will seem stark stupidity not only to others, but to ourselves. We feel very foolish, especially when the situation continues day after day. We have to depend entirely on God, who says, 'Without me you can do nothing.' After awhile if we let go and trust him, an incredible freedom breaks through.

"We are asked to expect everything from God, to live in a dimension where miracles are going to take place, on a faith level, so that the absurdity of the Gospel really becomes part of us... We have to march to God's tune, and be willing to be out of step with everybody else. This can be a kind of martyrdom, in a sense. We are all called to be out of step with modern secularism, with this pragmatism which is leading us to a situation of despair. Through our very lives we have to stand up and speak and live the truth.

"I am in love with God. But being in love with God is not enough. One has to become a fool for his sake. That means really listening to what he says, which few want to do.

"We must be one with Paul when he says:

"It seems to me that God has put us apostles at the end of his parade, with men sentenced to death... We have been put on show in front of the whole universe, angels as well as men. Here we are, fools for the sake of Christ, while you are the learned men in Christ; we have no power, you are influential; you are celebrities, we are nobodies." (1 Cor 4:9-10)

"Can anybody realize the torture, the pain, the sorrow of seeing so many who do not love him? If you are really in love with God, if he is your Absolute, then the pain becomes excruciating. And you must go, without ever resting, to impart the Good News. For this you have been created. For this you have been baptized and confirmed. For this the Eucharist is your food. For this, when you fall, you ask forgiveness through Confession.

 

"I am so hounded by God that nothing seems to satisfy me, except one-to-one dialogue with another person, in speech or in silence, through which, hand in hand, we go to God. Can you understand that?...All I want, all that I exist for, all I desire with my whole self is that God be loved. I cry bitter tears in the night because so many do not listen to him.

"What I am asking you, each one individually, each one personally, is this: are you ready to be a fool for Christ? And I mean it: a fool!
Foolishness for Christ's sake, my beloved ones, is doing, not what you want, but what he or she wants, and doing it totally, with love. Perhaps the word is 'surrender.' Yes, perhaps we must surrender totally, completely, in order to really be fools for Christ's sake, no matter what the repercussions of our deeds may be. The blessings of God will come upon us.

"Are you afraid? Are you anxious? Are you alone? Is loneliness your companion? Listen. Listen to the footsteps of Christ. You need patience to listen, but if you do, you will hear them. Christ will teach you that which no philosopher or theologian can teach you. Christ himself will take you by the hand and you will know joy that is unending. There will also be pain underlying that joy, because he will ask things of you that you might not wish to give, and they will have to be given. But you will love him."

This is an important message for us in today's world. I could not put it any better than Catherine Doherty (a very holy woman of God) herself. She speaks God's words... this is truth.

BE WHO YOU ARE!
Remember the post about being the saint God made you to be?
Don't try to be someone else... except for women to imitate Mary and men to imitate Joseph and John who all show us how to be disciples of Jesus.

Our poor priests need more prayer and fasting

SUNDAY, JUNE 19, 2011

Our Poor Priests Need the Help of More Prayers and Fasting...

...because its a war out there in this world -a 'war for souls' -and they are our generals on the battlefield.

In today's world, to be a Christian is a call to be a martyr in many ways -and yet, how much more difficult is it to be the leader and shepherd of martyrs -how much greater of an example does one have to be to guide others? Our poor priests are called to not only serve, preach and give Christ -but to become a 'little Jesus' to each and every soul on earth. The more they conform themselves to their crucified Savior, the more powerful their ministries will be in saving souls. This conformity to Jesus must be lived out not only in giving absolution, but also in living forgiveness; not only in preaching others to avoid evil and temptation, but in running from it themselves; not only in smiling when they are exhausted, but in feeding the deep joy of the Holy Spirit to those carrying the heaviest of burdens.

Priests are called to live 'in persona Christi' when celebrating the Sacraments -but they are also called to live this way (in such a deep union mystically united as one with Jesus through prayer and love) at all times of their lives. This (such deep union with Christ) is the only source of strength they will have to carry them through the struggles of being a holy priest today. But their commitment to the Church is a two way street. They promise to love and serve the people of God as best they can (in meekness and integrity of heart), but we must love and serve our priests. We can do this by feeding them a good dinner, sending encouraging notes and even offering our services at Church. But the deepest way priests need people to help them -is to pray for them. Anyone in ministry can tell you that the difference between the fruit born from heavy labor alone and that born from heavy labor supported by prayer and fasting is astronomical. Priests need our help -for us to pray for them and for the souls they touch. They need us to pray for their own growth in holiness and wisdom, their own strength in temptations and frustrations, their own comfort and grace to be heroically faithful to truth and love when they suffer persecutions. They need us to pray for their words to reach deep into hardened hearts, for their sacrifice to be huge portals of grace, for their crucifixion to be always united to Jesus' wounded Heart. They need us to pray that they have the grace to know and live God's will at all times, to respond to all situations as our loving Savior would do, and to humbly seek to grow in knowledge and grace, admitting their faults and asking forgiveness for their weaknesses and mistakes (for humility ALWAYS bears fruit). Most of all they need the grace to always remain humble and obedient before the hand of God (especially His Voice in the Church) -for any great gift given without the foundation of humility can lead one quickly down a dangerous path.

Mary has said in many apparitions all over the world that wars can be stopped by prayer and fasting -and so how many great miracles could happen through our priests if they were supported by such prayer and fasting. Let's commit again today to pray for and love our priests -not in loud, noticeable ways, but instead in humble, hidden sacrifices day by day. We need them to stand 'in persona Christi' for us before the throne of God. We need them to give us Jesus in the Eucharist, to take away our sin, to bless our children and marriages. We need them to guide us to holiness on this rough road towards Calvary -the 'way of the Cross' all Christians are called to follow in some shape and form. If only we saw the reality of who these special, consecrated souls are before the eyes of God. If we only saw the true reality of their being 'another Christ' to us when they speak in Confession and offer us Jesus in Mass:

We must not judge our priests, but instead love them fiercely and trust them... they need us to trust them again and this trust will open new gifts in their hearts to lead us to holiness. For who can lead a soul who does not trust their intentions? Let us not criticize priests, but instead respect them deeply, forgive their imperfections and pray ardently for their growth (especially if we do not agree with something they say or do). Only prayer and fasting can help our priests grow more deeply in conformity with Christ -helping them see with His eyes and hear with His ears and speak with His mouth. Let us thank our priests for the sacrifice of their entire lives -for being a priest is not a 'job' a man lives from 8-5, but instead a vocation of fatherhood which he lives 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Being a priest is exhausting and at times lonely and disheartening in today's dark world. Let us support our priests by praying for them to be holy, strengthened, wise, faithful and courageous. This gift of prayer and fasting for them will bear fruit 100-fold.

Important reminder in suffering...

St. John of the Cross:

“If our life does not consist in imitating the crucified, it has no value.”

St. John of the Cross: “JESUS IMPOSES SUFFERING ON US ACCORDING TO THE MEASURE OF OUR LOVE” (Take it as a compliment J ).

St. Therese of Lisieux:

“When we feel no courage or strength for the practice of virtue, it is really a grace. It is time to lay the axe to the root of the tree, relying upon JESUS ALONE. If we fall, an act of love (just ONE ACT of LOVE) will set all right and Jesus smiles.”  J

“You know well that our Lord does not look so much at the greatness of our actions, nor even at their difficulty, as at the love with which we do them. What then have we to fear?

            

    “It costs our heart’s blood to give Him what He demands. And what a blessing that it does cost it! What happiness, to bear our crosses feebly…! I, who am but a little grain of sand will set to work without joy, without courage, without strength –and these incapabilities (incapacities) make the task easier for me. (Those are the places God can enter in with His grace). I want to labor only with Love.”

“Let us suffer, if we must, with bitterness, without courage. Jesus must have suffered in sadness, would that our souls want to suffer at all times without sadness? We want to suffer generously and nobly. We want to never fall. What an illusion!” (Jesus fell three times!)

            “Being really brave means to long for the cross in the midst of fear, while as it were fighting against fear (with Love and fiat) as Jesus did in the Garden of Olives.”

         “Jesus, the Divine Hero, has felt all our weaknesses and shuddered at the sight of the bitter chalice –that very chalice He had so burningly desired.”

John Paul II: “When confronted with an abyss of evil, the ONLY response is an ABYSS OF LOVE.”

Catherine Doherty in her book “Holy Fools” says: “Crucified people speak –but with rusty voices… in order to speak the way God wants you to, you must be crucified on the other side of His cross. Then you will speak. You won’t say much. Two crucified people don’t speak easily. But what they say remains in the hearts of men.”

"If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.

And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing.

If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, [love] is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails.” (1 Cor 13:1-8)

St. John of the Cross: 
“And at the end of life we will ONLY be judged on Love…”

Jesus, I trust in You. +

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life and what you will eat, or about your body and what you will wear. For life is more than food and the body more than clothing. Notice the ravens: they do not sow or reap; they have neither storehouse nor barn, yet God feeds them. How much more important are you than birds!  Can any of you by worrying add a moment to your life-span? If even the smallest things are beyond your control, why are you anxious about the rest? Notice how the flowers grow. They do not toil or spin. But I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass in the field that grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? As for you, do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, and do not worry anymore. All the nations of the world seek for these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these other things will be given you besides. Do not be afraid any longer, little flock, for your Father is pleased to give you the kingdom.  Sell your belongings and give alms. Provide money bags for yourselves that do not wear out, an inexhaustible treasure in heaven that no thief can reach nor moth destroy. For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.”

Confession

originally posted FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 05, 2010

Confession

St. Augustine said: "In failing to confess, Lord, I would only hide You from myself, not myself from You."

Sometimes Confession is hard -really hard -especially when we have some sin which we consider to be the 'worst sin' and therefore 'unforgivable.' But that's precisely when we need to force ourselves to go to Confession -not just to 'get it over with' by slipping it in between lying and impatience. We need to go to Confession and open our 'big sin' wounds right up naked before the priest -because the priest is Jesus Himself at that moment. Only by opening our wounds to our Doctor is He able to touch them and heal them.

The devil wants us to fear Confession -and the number one way he works on us to prevent us from making a good one is our pride. People have a problem with pride -all people do in some way or another -and so if the evil one can make us excessively embarrassed or excessively excusive or excessively afraid of humiliation, than he can prevent us from receiving the forgiveness and healing that God is waiting to give us.

St. Josemaria Escriva: "At the time of your examination beware of the devil that ties your tongue."

So, what are we supposed to do in order to receive that deep, down total forgiveness of all our sins, in addition to healing from the wounds our hearts suffered from them? Here's some suggestions:

1.) Be honest with yourself. Brutally honest. Leave no stone unturned in your heart -and if you are going to err, err on the side of over-accusing yourself as opposed to under-accusing yourself. There is such great merit to be gained by humbly admitting our faults. So often priests say that people spend way more time in the Confessional listing other peoples' sins or excusing themselves, than actually presenting one's own faults honestly and asking forgiveness and healing love. What a great grace to be able to take the sword of truth and pierce the gangrene parts of our hearts open and to cut them off of us. It might hurt for a moment, but the healing touch of God's Love that reaches down to soothe us in such humility can make us closer to Him than if we never did such things. Jesus said, "Those who are forgiven much, love much." So, if you want His gift of Love, you must ask for His forgiveness. His mercy is truly amazing.

2.) Remember that it is NOT a person you are talking to in the Confessional -some priest who is just like you and me and is there to judge you. These are lies put forth by satan. It is JESUS Himself Who waits for you in the Confessional. And if you prepare well and pray begging the Holy Spirit to somehow speak to you through that priest -you can trust that his words are God's words of love to you. I used to love to go to Confession face-to-face in order to humiliate myself more. But now I find deep graces behind a screen or with my eyes shut, so that I can imagine speaking right into the Heart of my Jesus Who already knows everything and is waiting to pour out His unfathomable Love upon me when I ask through admitting my sins and weaknesses. Either way is fine and great and deep -just do it knowing that it is your God Who sits and waits and listens and forgives you. Many priests have told me that they have the grace to not remember people's sins outside of Confession.

3.) Think of the Passion of Christ and it will make it easy to run to Him through Confession. If you can't bring yourself to confess something -then watch the Passion of Christ by Mel Gibson and you will change your mind. When you see His suffering Love, you can't but trust Him to forgive you for anything and everything. And when you see His suffering Love, you realize how you should get over your selfishness and think more about Him (suffering and waiting for you to return to Him in the life of grace) than about yourself (and your fear and pride in admitting your sins). I mean, He IS God... so He is more important than you.

4.) Beg for grace. If you have no courage to mention something specific in Confession -write out your sins, find a way to say it that is blunt, read them... and beg for the grace. God will send His Holy Spirit to give you courage and grace if you beg Him. Lean on grace and not on yourself. Looking too much at yourself is how you got into the predicament of sin in the first place. Lean on His Love and go.... Just Do it.

5.) And spend some time after Confession with the Blessed Sacrament. After you confessed all of your sins you have a perfectly pure soul -but it might still have 'wounds' or 'weaknesses' of the tendencies towards the sins you have become habitually attached to. The best remedy for this is to link the Sacrament of Reconciliation with the Eucharist. Go directly to Jesus after Confession -if you were given a penance of prayer, do it immediately. Then THANK Him for the graces you received (Jesus entered and suffered hell on the Cross in order to forgive your sins and save you from hell -big graces that you enter into in each Confession). And beg His Blood to wash you and the Holy Spirit to fill you so that you are healed totally and preserved with extra 'vitamins' of grace and strength in order to not sin again later. It is amazing how God can transform us by us just sitting with Him before the Eucharist. It is healing because it is like a bath of His Love.

6.) Go to Confession often -weekly or every two weeks. Pope John Paul II went every day! It is easier to clean a room that is dusty than one that has not been touched for weeks or months (or years). When we quickly remove the 'dirt' of sin from our lives -it stains us less and is less ground into our souls. We remain closer to God when we frequently visit Him in Confession, and we can be greater vessels of His grace to others.

7.) And remember that Confession is not just a dry-cleaners (a place we bring our sins in order to be washed of them). Confession is a personal encounter -soul to soul -with Christ. A place where we meet Jesus to speak not only about our sins, but the deepest concerns of our soul. It is a place where He reaches His ear down to our whispering hearts and listens and discusses with us how we are doing in our work on earth for Him. Its like a mid-semester progress report from God. Where He helps us see our faults and gives us a plan on how to 'bring our grade up' before the Final Test. And it is a place where we receive the drink of His Love -whether we feel it or not, our soul receives it through the grace of absolution.

Today is First Friday. So, Just DO IT! Go make the best confession of your lives today. Confess those sins you never had the courage to do before. Or Confess again those sins you poorly confessed in the past (without total admittance of your wrong in them, or those you did not admit in detail or those that especially still pain you). Let God heal you today, again, from your pride, your sin, your wounds, your doubts, your weakness. Throw them at God openly, totally and then forget them go on in the life of grace. You won't be denied forgiveness if you are sincere. I always tell myself that the worst case scenario that could happen is that I will be yelled at (it might not be pleasant, but is it something bad enough to keep me from heaven?) -and really, don't we deserve that humiliation and then we are forgiven forever -FOREVER! Your Father is waiting for you -in the Person of His Son Jesus living in His priests in Confession. Don't make Him wait longer to love you. You know how painful it is to wait and wait and wait with longing for a person who you love to return home. Let the Holy Spirit take your hand and lead you.... You will make GOD'S HEART rejoice if you can do that!

St. Faustina said: "A soul does not benefit from the sacrament of Confession if it is not humble. Pride keeps it in darkness. The soul neither knows how, nor is it willing to probe with precision the depths of its own misery. It puts on a mask and avoids everything that might bring it recovery."

"When a shepherd sees that his sheep have scattered, he keeps one of them under his control and leads it to the pastures he chooses, and thus he draws the other sheep back to him by means of this one."    - St. Theodoret of Cyr

Moved Family Pictures

I moved the family pictures to the end of this blog because they took up so much room... but they are there in the March 2017 posts.

Habakak Sunday

originally MONDAY, OCTOBER 04, 2010

My Habakkuk Sunday

Yesterday was a real out of the ordinary day here at Upendo. First off, the priest called Saturday night and said he could not make it for Sunday morning Mass at 6:30am and he could not find a substitute. So, we had to move Mass to 7pm. Secondly, it was a ‘Day of Reflection’ for the sisters, which meant that we had adoration from 7:30am-4:00pm. With the exception of a half-hour lunch, I spent the entire day with Jesus and tried to just soak in grace. Once 4pm rolled around, I really missed the children and so I decided to peek in on them before the day ended. I went to the Baby Room and took a few out for a 20 minute walk (I’m getting really good at holding 3 babies at once). When I returned it was dinner time, and I went into the newborn room as I heard them crying.

(Just a note: we received two new babies last week. ‘Pile’ (pronounced peelay) is a Muslim name. She is so tiny –maybe 4 or 5 pounds at the most.

Her story is very sad. Her Mom was 33 and Pile was her 5^thchild. She lived in a village nearby and delivered the baby at home while her husband was in Nairobi, Kenya for work. A neighbor who was a nurse helped her. The baby was born at midnight, but the Mom was bleeding a lot and she died at 3am. She bled to death. It is so sad because if her husband was home he could have taken her to the hospital. Her sister arrived with her husband and took the baby –still unwashed –and started towards town to find someone to help with her. They arrived at Upendo in the morning asking if we could take her. The sisters are only legally allowed to receive children sent by Social Welfare, so they had to send this couple (who were crying) with the baby to the office in the city. It was so traumatic for them, as they worried the baby would die, too. Finally they arrived in the evening. Sister got formula and fed her, and then they tried to wash her and it was a mess. The dirty diaper of merconium was dried like glue to her skin, as well as the blood in her hair. They really had to soak her. After one night we realized she was sick, and upon taking her to the doctor we found out that her mother had Syphilis and it had been passed to her. After 5 days of antibiotics the hospital sent her back to us. The father came looking for the baby –he was so heartbroken about his wife and he had never seen his daughter. The whole thing is so sad.

The second ‘new baby’ is ‘Naimblaise’ (a tribal name meaning ‘grace’). 

Her mom died in the hospital three days after giving birth. The sisters told me that they think so many women die here because of birth control. One of the side effects even after you stop taking it is blood pressure spikes –and this happens often during birth and is uncontrollable here. I’m not sure if that is accurate or not.)

Anyway, so after spending an hour with our 4 newborns, I heard the toddlers and boys screaming, so I decided to check on them before I left. I was shocked –they were all in their room running around (imagine 10 one to four-year-olds) completely alone (no adult supervision) and I was watching the bigger ones beating up the little ones. I opened the door (locked from the outside so they can’t get out) and ran in to rescue a few of the one-year-olds. These are little babies and they were being toppled, pinched, pushed and hit. Now, I have to rewind to explain this a bit. Earlier this week I saw the saddest thing I’ve seen yet here. Little Polycarp wets his pants all the time (extremely understandable to me for a 2-year-old). 

And he must have some urinary problem because he literally wets every 5 minutes –as soon as you change him, he’s wet again. Well, there are a few ‘mamas’ who work here who are kind and gentle, but there are a few who are so harsh. The German Sister is constantly correcting them if she witnesses them being mean –but she has to see it to correct it. For example, they force these babies to eat so much food –shoving the equivalent of 3 ‘jars’ of baby food down their throats each meal. It does not matter if they are 3 months or 11 months, they get the same. If they refuse, they force them to eat while they cry. Sister has been working on this with them. They think she ‘spoils the children’, but sister says if they are no longer hungry don’t force it. Little babies don’t eat so much. Another example, when Sister arrived she was horrified to hear them saying to the babies ‘do this or I’ll beat you!’ Now, they would never beat a baby, but Sister said that she forbid that sentence to be said in the Baby Room –that’s ridiculous. Well, back to Polycarp. One of the ‘mamas’ was angry that he wet his pants. She started screaming at him and then hitting and pinching him until he ran away and cried. She was so mean. I was in shock and did not know what to do. After he came out dry I simply put my arms out and swooped him up into them and carried him away from her. I kept him with me and the babies. It broke my heart. Well, as we all know, children learn what they live. So, Polycarp started pinching all the babies this week the same way I watched the ‘mama’ do it to him. I try to correct it, but I can’t get angry with him because he is so beneath the age of reason and in his mind this lady did it to him for ‘no reason’ so he does it to others. This was one of the 10 problems I encountered with the children tonight. After 30 minutes alone with all the toddlers and boys (I was shocked that there was no real supervision or care) I was relieved when the German Sister peeked her head in and came to help. I told her how upset I was. I told her to watch –all these poor little ones being beaten by each other. They were soaking wet with urine. They were crying and afraid (what 1-year-old wouldn’t be if they are just learning to walk and suddenly other children are poking, sitting on, hitting them.) The ‘brawl’ between them all continued for a full hour. It took all my strength to try to ‘rescue’ the littlest ones. Polycarp saw that they were getting attention so he began hitting them away so I would hold him. He shouldn’t be doing that, but then again he is only 2 and he wants love too. They had no toys, no ‘entertainment’, so it was not surprising they were getting into trouble. When they are given toys no one organizes or controls anything or teaches them, so they are ripped to pieces very quickly, and fought over until the older ones get them. If I could have 3 months and 4 helpers I could establish order in such a way that it would last –easy to teach to a new little toddler when they join the group. But even the toddlers are learning to hit and scream because that is what they receive. At the end, Sister and I had to go to Mass, so we put them all in their beds (probably should have been done earlier just to keep them safe from each other). I walked in the Church totally heart-broken. I begged Jesus to do something for them. They need better care, more love, more discipline (not harshness, simply consequences for their actions –for example, each time they hit, they are put in their crib). I begged the angels to do something where I really could not do anything more than get beaten and soiled with their urine myself. 

Mass began and Jesus answered my weary heart. I laughed when I read the First Reading again (I had read it earlier in the day, but did not remember it). It perfectly described my prayer about the brawling situation with the toddlers and boys. And He gave me an answer. It said:

How long, O Lord? I cry for help but You do not listen!

I cry out to You, ‘Violence!’ but You do not intervene.

Why do You let me see ruin; Why must I look at misery?

Destruction and violence are before me;

There is strife, and clamorous discord.

Then the Lord answered me and said:

Write down the vision clearly upon the tablets,

So that one can read it readily.

For the vision still has its time,

Presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint;

If it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late.

The rash one has no integrity;

But the just one, because of his faith, shall live.”

I took this as God’s promise to me that He will do something about the situation here –He will answer my prayers for these children and He will somehow bear fruit from my prayer and sacrifice. The Gospel told us that all we needed was a little faith and then even if we asked God for big miracles He would do them. So I asked –I begged –with the confidence that comes from total faith and trust in His Plan and Love for these little ones –I begged for grace, for change, for help for them, for love –and not only for the orphans here, but for all of them in the thousands of orphanages throughout the world. So many children suffer like this –and probably worse, since at least here they do receive love sometimes and some care. 

**NOTE May 2017 -I was happy to find out that shortly after I left some new sisters were sent to Upendo, one of which had specific gifts of organization. When Polycarp left for another orphanage they agreed to allow him to keep in touch with me. He truly is a son of my heart and very happy:

The Question of Adoption

So, this leads me to one other point and then I will finish. It’s the question that several of you have posed to me about the possibility of adopting these children. I have been told that Tanzanian law requires you to be a citizen here (or at least live here for 2 years) before you can adopt. The sisters want to take me to the Social Welfare office to speak with a government official this week to confirm this and to make sure that there are no exceptions to this rule. And yet, it is obvious to me that God Himself has lit a flame in your hearts to even pose such a question –and this flame has been burning me as well in prayer this week. I know that God is doing something big, something I can’t even see myself, through the desire of some to possibly adopt. And when I ask God how to lead you in this question (considering the hurdles here in Tanzania) the only answer I receive –but I continue to receive –is that God Who began this work within you will fulfill it in each of you in His Own time and way. Just as God creates each child as a specific gift for a family –full of gifts which the other family members could never give, so too if God calls you to adopt He has a specific child with specific needs and gifts in a specific country waiting for you. God is not a God of generalities –He is a God of details, even if we don’t always see His Hand in the little things, He is always there. I am sure that if God has opened your heart to the possibility of adopting one of His suffering, helpless little ones, then He will guide you to that specific child. I will find out this week from the Tanzanian office, but if that door is closed I simply see it as God speaking to you all that there are other children who are worse off waiting for your love. They could be in Russia, or China, or another African or South American country –or they could be a ‘hard to place’ family group of children in the US. Please pray and listen to Him –He will guide. It might seem like you are moving forward in darkness –but when you surrender to Him and ask Him to guide, He somehow makes sure that all goes according to His perfect, holy will. I am praying especially for you who have generously considered doing this. So many children suffer horribly –and I can’t give them what you can –a family of love. What a gift each vocation is in the Church.

So, that is all for now.

In His Blessings,

Mary

Fiat +

Note May, 2017: It did end up being impossible to adopt from Tanzania, but the seed was planted in my sister's heart and she and her husband added a 10th Ethiopian child to their 9 natural children this year... She is a super joy and keeps my heart connected with my little ones in East Africa.