My Cacti Are Growing!!

My cacti are growing! Its so incredible -because I bought two huge rose bushes and put them in big pots with nice soil and they have full sun on my balcony. And I water them everyday -just enough and not too much. 
And they died.
I really love roses, so this makes me sad. 
But not too sad for too long -since it is my little sacrifice to offer for souls and I know that in heaven I will get tons of roses from Jesus. 

But this story is way more interesting than just about my (almost) dead rose bushes (yes, plural, because I was so excited and so sure that my sun was good that I invested in not one, but TWO bushes that I will have to donate to my parents on Pleasant Place.) 
Anyway, the interesting and prophetic twist to this is that I also bought these little cacti (that should have sun) that I leave on my kitchen cupboard (not too close to the window) and lo and behold -they are not only thriving, but growing!! And they are actually growing fast -several inches in the last 6 weeks.
What is God telling me?
Its His lesson (again) to me of the desert rose that I shared with you all last year.
He doesn't want to bring forth fruit in my life in an easy way like with normal roses. He doesn't want me to be spoiled in a lush garden (even spiritually). No -my life is for the desert. My life is the narrow way. My life is step by step after Him -following His bloody footprints. My life is His way of the Cross. But, 'In the place where Jesus was crucified there was a garden." (John 19:41)
He wants desert fruit from me. He wants a neglected plant without water and sun to grow huge and indestructible because of His Grace (for 'His Grace alone is sufficient for me' (2 Corinthians 12:9) and then to give forth tons of little flowers in the end. 
He wants to live Scripture through my plants in order to speak to me. Which is really, really cool. This is what He was is saying to me:

Isaiah 35:1 -Its the desert (and not the lush garden) that springs forth flowers... 

"The wilderness and the dry land shall be gladdened; 

and the desert shall rejoice, and blossom as the rose." 

(Or unlike the rose, since my roses died. :) )

Here's the thing about the desert rose...

St. Therese once called us all flowers. I'll quote her passage at the end of this post. I remember once (about 25 years ago) in prayer telling Jesus that I was a dandelion instead of a rose -and Jesus' answer to my heart was that I was actually more of a desert rose. He didn't call me a champagne rose -He said I grew in the desert like a wild flower without water (except that which deep roots could reach). Now this doesn't mean that I will physically always live in a desert or that I like hot things better than cold. Like a missionary, with the grace of God I can flourish anywhere. This is symbolic. But last year I was greatly surprised when I saw a picture of a desert rose -I always thought it was a little flower hidden in dirt -like a little dirty speck in the desert... I figured I was to be a hidden, little soul thrown under the Cross to make my Savior happy. After 25 years of reflecting on this (wrong :) ), I discovered that in reality these things grow to be 10 feet tall. They are giants in the desert. The root system is complicated, thick and deep. I saw this similar to how over the years Jesus took me on lots of paths, to lots of places, people, etc... it was a big root system.. (mission life).

Then came three years as a hermit where all those seeds and paths came together in one huge main trunk (hermit life) -even more hours of prayer, soaking in the Eucharist, gaining strength... for my people.

And then at the end come beautiful flowers -that's the part of our lives that we see in heaven -that people see from afar. I'm not seeing my flowers quite yet.

Funny as well is that they ''have a very special value to bees..." :) Honey (sweetness) comes from a tough desert flower-tree -Kinda like how when we keep our hearts resting in God's hand and united to His Heart on the Cross, we can give others His sweet drink. I always pray to keep my heart in union with His Sacred Heart and His Mother's Immaculate Heart in the midst of my life in the world.

Basically: what I always wanted to live –

1.) Keep your head (mind) in heaven –(Jesus said, ‘Give me your mind and I’ll make you all heart.’)

2.) Keep your heart on the Cross with Jesus (remembering that there is the fruit of the Holy Spirit in this.)

3.) Keep your feet on the ground (practical –be accessible –hide the complexity of God in the simplicity of love)..

A desert rose is also considered a 'very odd plant' -like me (Sister Tatiana in Russia always called me an 'artistic vocation') and a plant that grows best when neglected...' (I don't really like that part -I mean, Jesus is the best guide, but I appreciate deep, rich relationships).

One more funny thing is that:
"The sap of Adenium boehmianum, A. multiflorum, and A. obesum contains toxic cardiac glycosides and is used as arrow poison throughout Africa for hunting large game."

Maybe the 'sap' of my life's love with Jesus poisons the bad guy... I hope so...

Anyway, its incredible for me to discover a new dimension in my spiritual life -kinda like 'Wow -what in the world are You doing, Jesus... this is different than I thought.'

The lesson: We are all called to be different. What flower or plant are you called to be in God's Garden? Don't try to imitate another person.
Be who you are...

Jesus we trust in You. +

“Jesus deigned to teach me this mystery. He set before me the book of nature; I understood how all the flowers He has created are beautiful, how the splendor of the rose and the whiteness of the Lily do not take away from the perfume of the little violet or the delightful simplicity of the daisy. I understood that if all flowers wanted to be roses, nature would lose her springtime beauty, and the fields would no longer be decked out with little wild flowers.
“And so it is in the world of souls, Jesus’ garden. He willed to create great souls comparable to Lilies and roses, but He has created smaller ones and these must be content to be daisies or violets destined to give joy to God’s glances when He looks down at his feet. Perfection consists in doing His will, in being what He wills us to be.
“….It is with great happiness, then, that I come to sing the mercies of the Lord with you, dear Mother. It is for you alone I am writing the story of the little flower gathered by Jesus.” -St. Therese of Liseux

Endorsements for my book "The Holiness of Womanhood"

I helped FR. MITCH PAKWA, SJ from EWTN with something many years ago and he finally was able to read my book this weekend and sent me such a kind endorsement.

FR. BASIL COLE, OP, who taught at the Angelicum in Rome for a few years and since 1997 has been a Professor of moral, spiritual, and dogmatic theology at the Dominican House of Studies in Washington, D.C. (and is an expert in the consecrated life and demonology) has shared helpful insights and correspondence with me for years. I originally met him back in 1999 when I was at Notre Dame.

Prof. RONDA CHERVIN was a friend of mine from hermit years in South Texas, as well as during my time with SOLT -she is an emeritus professor from Holy Apostles Seminary, who is a very well published author of many books, including her own books on women.
FR LARRY TUCKER, SOLT , who has published many books himself and just released a new music CD was interviewed by me on a radio program recently. He agreed to read my book and said it was radiant and he couldn't put it down.

CLARE TEN EYCK is a dear friend I have known since my Notre Dame days, who is full of charismatic gifts and also happens to be a life-long psychologist and retreat leader.

THERESA THOMAS (my godmother and oldest sister) also happens to be a very well published columnist, author and mother of many daughters.
I really hope that their endorsements encourage you to give my book a chance!

“Mary Kloska takes on an important, though much neglected issue: the real differences between women and men, with a focus on the impact of those differences on women’s spirituality. The joy of reading this is that in place of the anger that sometimes accompanies such issues, Mary gently and calmly observes the differences and celebrates both, even as she focuses her attention on the spiritual gifts of women. I, a man, have directed women, and I know a number of women who give spiritual direction to men, yet Mary’s insights into the spiritual life of women offer far more insight than I can. In addition, her experience comes from her having lived on four continents, among very diverse people — North America, Europe, Africa and Asia, which gives her insights breadth. Her own spiritual life is the obvious source of her depth. Her book is a profound aid in a woman’s spiritual development.” – Fr. Mitch Pacwa, SJ, president and founder of Ignatius Productions and senior fellow of the St. Paul Center for Biblical Theology

“What a beautiful retreat for women! I love it. Full of deep insights. I can assure you from reading the book …that it is full of joy and peace and that it actually helped me at age 82 (even though I wrote a whole book about women and several books that I use on retreats myself). I still found new insights in this book. So even if you have been to women’s retreats, this could give you something new and very important.” – Dr. Ronda Chervin, leader of dozens of women’s retreats, and author of Feminine, Free, and Faithful

“I picked this book up and could not put it down until I turned the final page… and I’m a man! If it captivated me to such a degree, I can only marvel at the wondrous effect it will have on women! This book is so uniquely beautiful that I would not be at all surprised if in time it is recognized as a classic in Catholic women’s literature. I would encourage every woman to read this treatise and to hold on to it for her entire life… keep returning to it; and finally… leave it as a special heirloom to someone you love dearly.” — Fr. Lawrence Edward Tucker, SOLT, author of The Redemption of San Isidro; To Whom The Heart Decided To Love; Adventures In The Father’s Joy; The Prayer of Jesus Crucified (La Oracion de Jesus Crucificado); and the new Catholic music album/CD, So Shine by brothersister

“The Holiness of Womanhood contains much wisdom and Truth for any woman who really wants to become what God created her to be. Having lived through the rise of women’s liberation in the sixties and seventies, which began the release of tons of literature about women that only polluted the mind, I find this book refreshing. It gives a Godly spin to femininity and has many riches for any woman who wants to be a woman of God.” – Clare R. Ten Eyck, Ed.D., Catholic Therapist and Retreat Director

“Mary Kloska’s retreat for women, especially in their early twenties, lays out the principles for motivating a young person’s true identity in the making. Even more, a mother of a family can find in this book, easy to read and think about, practical insights to help her daughters mature toward a deep sense of potential motherhood. Then she can more truly discern an authentic spouse to love her and her children in marriage with sacrificial love.” – Fr. Basil Cole, Professor of moral, spiritual, and dogmatic theology at the Dominican House of Studies

“This book provides a much needed insight into authentic femininity, and is a must read for young and old women alike, who wish to delve deeper into their individual vocations and their meaning and purpose as a daughter of the King.” – Theresa A Thomas, Mother of six daughters, 15-year family columnist at “Today’s Catholic News,” contributor to Integrated Catholic Life website, Catholic Exchange, freelance writer and author of Big Hearted: Inspiring Stories from Every Day Families (Scepter, 2013)

And as I wrote earlier today, Professor Ralph McInerny (RIP) was a great supporter of my manuscript in its original form.

https://enroutebooksandmedia.com/holinessofwomanhood/

A hermit is for the world...

A little more about the hermit life. 

God has allowed me to have amazing experiences and be involved with many incredible things in my life. But the many years I spent in and out of hermitages was by far the greatest gift He gave to me. Circumstances caused for me to not be able to permanently continue in that life for the time being, but I am sure in my heart that God eventually can find people to support me in living (at the very least -half of my time) in prayer with Him as I did years before. With (hopefully) the other half of my life back in full-time ministry/apostolate. I had a sister who once told me that she was more than happy to 'pay me' to pray for everyone like I was doing. :) She truly understood the great 'work' that God can do in the world through souls seeped in prayer. And I am sure that there are other people like her who 'get it' out there.

Yet this is not saying that I regret where I am now. 

God is perfect and His plans for us are perfect.

He even perfectly uses other's sins and mistakes in order to make sure His perfect will is done in our lives. 

When we live that sort of trust, we never have to fear that we are on the wrong path... all God expects from us is a 'Fiat' from one moment to the next. 

And as a very close priest friend often reminds me, 'God is creative.' He somehow gets His will done if we continue to surrender.

Part of the reason I believe that God allowed for me to be thrust from my hermit life was so that I could teach the world about that life and share a little piece of it with them. Its like offering the world an island of peace in the midst of chaos. And so I share... and I hope one day to be able to swing much more of a contemplative life than I am living right now working 80 hours a week. Yet what is funny is that as a hermit I 'worked' just as much as I do now -it is just that the work was more interior, a 'work' of prayer. The hermit life is by no means a lazy life, nor a selfish life. For a real hermit is never a hermit for themselves. They are a hermit for the whole world. 

You see here a picture of the wall of my hermitage. Several years back I decided to break my general love of simplicity and to plaster the wall of my hermitage with pictures of everyone I ever had as a spiritual child in my entire life. When persevering in my vocation was difficult, I could look at the wall and remember that I was doing this all 'for them.' 

Catherine Doherty beautifully explains this 'communal' aspect of a hermit's life in her book 'Poustinia' (meaning 'hermitage' in Russian). Take a few moments to read these -and remember them in your own lives... at those moments you 'sneak' for prayer, never doubt that you are helping your children, spouses, etc., more than you could by physically being available. Yes, daily duty comes first and you should never neglect your vocational responsibilities in order to pray... but when you are able to find those 20 minutes during naps or on lunch break to sit before a crucifix or tabernacle and pray, remember that you are giving a cosmic gift to those who you love.

"Who were these men and women of Russia and why did they go into 'the desert,' into the poustinia?... They were people who craved in their hearts to be alone with God and his immense silence. Why did they crave that silence, that solitude? For themselves? No. A hermit of this type, according to the Eastern spirituality, went into the poustinia for others. He offered himself as a holocaust, a victim for others..." (page 21)

"They went forth alone... They emptied their minds and their souls of all their relationships because from now on they would be with all their loved ones in a new relationship, in a deeper dimension of love. ... The poustiniki (hermits) would carry in their hearts all those whom they had left behind in the great silence of God...From the moment their poustinia was built, from the moment of their closing its door upon themselves, not only they but the whole of humanity entered into that cabin with them. It was for all mankind that the poustinik was to pray, to weep, and to endure all the temptations that come to him who lives in the desert. It was FOR THEM that he was to mortify his flesh, for THEM that he accepted the loneliness that transcends our understanding, and which as the same time, once accepted, is no real loneliness at all..." (pg 22-23)

"We need people who will stay in the silence of God and not be distracted by a thousand noises within themselves or by demands made upon them -not entirely wrong demands, but not entirely right ones either. These silent ones, the ones that will really pray, will have all of humanity in their poustinias. They will do spiritual direction and write letters, but slowly, thoughtfully, in the secret silence between them and God. They will be spiritual directors from a distance. Directees will also come and knock at their door..." (pg 42)

"I believe there will be people who realize that it is through being this personal holocaust for humanity that they can bring back to the world, with childlike simplicity, the words of God which they hear in his great silence." (pg 44)

"I think that God calls the poustinik to a total purgation, a total self-emptying. In the Gospel of the Passion we see how Christ is silent before the authorities. Imagine, God is silent! He asks for nothing, and he gives himself. If you want to see what a 'contribution' really is, look at the Man on the Cross. That's a contribution. When you are hanging on a cross you can't do anything because you are crucified. That is the essence of a poustinik. That is his or her contribution. .. The poustinik's loneliness is of slavific and cosmic proportions. This is his contribution... By hanging on his cross of loneliness, his healing rays, like the rays of the sun, will penetrate the earth... No one can tell how far the healing rays from a poustinik's loneliness, united with God, penetrate into the world. The world is cold. Someone must be on fire so that people can come and put their cold hands and feet against that fire. If anyone allows this to happen, but especially the poustinik, then he will become a fireplace at which men can warm themselves. His rays will go out to the ends of the earth...

"The English word 'zeal' usually means intensity of action... But real zeal is standing still and letting God be a bonfire in you. It is not very easy to have God's fire within you! Only if you are possessed of true zeal will you be able to contain God's bonfire..." ((pg 48-49)

Making your heart a perpetual hermitage

I will always be "Aunty Mary Fiat, the Missionary Hermit." Yes, even if I live in a nice apartment in the middle of a little city right now. God allowed me years of time in and out of hermitages to form my heart into a perpetual hermitage. I experienced the Russian 'poustiniki' and studied the Greek hermits. Although I loved the Eastern eremetical life, I also spent years with those from the French tradition, as well as living as a simple American Diocesan Hermit. My hermit vocation started when I was really little and my brother BJ and I created OSP (Our Special Place) -one inside under the basement stairs where we would secretly read the Bible, and one in the woods by the golf course/creek where we would eat brown-bagged lunches and fish. I always loved the idea of silence and solitude, which is hard for people to believe at times after they encounter me (since I appear to be bubbly and social). What people have to realize is that a hermit (or a hermit heart like mine) does not withdraw into silence and solitude for the sake of silence and solitude -but instead to commune with God, for an intimate love relationship with the Man Jesus, and to draw all the world along with her heart into this mysterious love. And it is this time of silence and solitude with Jesus that is the source of all she gives to the world.

We all -regardless of our state of life or personality -could benefit from taking time (albeit small bites of time, if that is all that life allows) and to withdraw to a small place of silence, of solitude, to lend the heart's ear to God -to listen to His Word, His Breath, His Heartbeat -and to respond in love by waiting for Him; to respond in love by bringing to Him the cries of those hearts around us who are suffering and in need and who may not know the path to reach Him.

Silence is such a majestic teacher -silence is simple and yet there is something very noble about a heart that is able to communicate with God (and with others at times) through silence. A great flame lights up a room, but a candle does this without making a sound. When we withdraw into silence, God's love fills us like a flame and resounds out to the world around us -yet often this echo, this 'yelp' of His Love takes place in silence. People around us simply realize that through our presence and love (even in silence) they are changed -they are united to God.

Here are some quotes Catherine Doherty wrote about silence -take a minute today and read these and ask God to show you where or how you can implement one idea from them into your lives now. Silence full of God's love can teach and form, fill and guide any and every soul. I used to even give 'missionary hermit retreats' for young children. It was always amazing to me to see how God entered in and spoke to the children's hearts. A sister I once knew used to speak of us 'making our hearts as a resting place for the Holy Spirit.' I pray that you all can take a moment today to do just that.

(Pictures are from the hermitages where I have lived over the years...)

"...Those whom God calls into silence will enter a vortex which will shatter them into little pieces. Looking here and there you will see fragments of a human being. You will behold you own fragmentation and wonder why you do not die. I do not know why. God knows. But in silence, God will gather together your fragments. And when you emerge from the sea of silence you will be thunder. And this thunder will pass beyond the galaxies as if you were a bird sent forth to preach the gospel to the whole universe ... People will not know where the thunder is coming from, but it will be coming from your heart. God has entered it through silence. Having put together your fragmented self, God now tells you to go on a pilgrimage to preach the gospel in a silence that is more powerful than any words you have ever spoken. For, silence is more powerful than any words, except one: the Word. It is by entering the Word that to some the gift of utter silence, and therefore complete speech, is given."

~ from MOLCHANIE: THE SILENCE OF GOD by Catherine de Hueck Doherty

"...So often, we forget how to pray. We forget that there must be a time when we are silent so we can hear what God wants to say to us. Yes, my friends, we must pray, the prayer of two people in love with each other who cease to talk. Their silence speaks. This is the kind of prayer that the poustinia will teach you. Resting in God's love, you will understand the unity God wishes for you. Then as a pilgrim, you will go forth and shout and sing about this to all peoples.

Two people in love! When you are in love with God you will understand that God loved you first. You will enter into a deep and mysterious silence and in that silence become one with the Absolute. Your oneness with God will overflow to all your brothers and sisters."

~ from FRAGMENTS OF MY LIFE by Catherine de Hueck Doherty

"...A day filled with noise and voices can be a day of silence, if the noises become for us the echo of the presence of God, if the voices are, for us, messages and solicitations of God."

~ Catherine de Hueck Doherty

.".. When one enters the mystery of God, the first mystery is silence. When one loves another, silence is absolutely necessary. Long before lovers can speak openly of their love, they speak by silence, a deep silence, especially when it deals with God. It is by entering the mystery of silence that slowly everyone becomes like our Beloved.

~ from DOUBTS, LONELINESS, REJECTION by Catherine de Hueck Doherty

Let it Rest... small people, exercise and coffee breaks are great ways to renew the spiritual life...

Fields and gardens need to rest sometimes. When they are overused, the nutrients and minerals needed for vegetative growth are tired and need time to replenish. In the spiritual life -especially in an intense vocation -the graces and virtues and spiritual 'nutrients' get used and tired and need a rest. Retreats are times for this.

So are trips to Culver's:

Trips to Lunker's:

Baking with children:

And cups of coffee (and hermit make-overs) with your sisters and your sister's children after a long hermit day in prayer:

This hermitage has been intensely used and a great battleground for many years... and it might just need a spiritual rest.

Its like spending too much time at your in-laws or on vacation... there are times when you need to withdraw, regroup, play with some children and then go forward with a renewed spiritual perspective. Yes, sometimes the heart needs to play with children as a break from praying constantly. That is an unique 'trick' I learned in a pretty radical hermit life. 'Keep the spiritual life real' by breaking away to read a book to a child once in a while:

There are times to work, times to pray, times to exercise and times to retreat and rest. A well-rounded hermit life includes all of these human aspects. Rest comes in many forms: sleep is awesome, but I always rested best by long walks/runs praying rosaries upon rosaries. During my hermit years I would take the two hours following three hours of adoration for an afternoon coffee, time with children and/or exercise. When I exercised I prayed easily -and I came to see that exercise with prayer is a powerful weapon... each step is offered for someone who you know needs help.

In my adult years I developed asthma if I run below 70 or 75 degrees (I'm one of those crazies who LOVES running in 95 or 100 degree weather -with lots of water). Because of this I would tend to sprint/walk. This must be my natural way of exercise -in track in high school I excelled at the 400-800 meter (basically sprinting 1/4-1/2 mile). A doctor down the street told me one day (while she watched me sprinting my heart out) that its actually the healthiest way to exercise. I would think of someone suffering and say, 'This next 200 or 400 meters is sprinted as hard as I can for so and so'. Usually I'd end up holding my breath and sprinting my heart out. Then walk and pray until I could breathe again. This is a different form of rest than sleep or hermit prayer... but we all need it.

My favorite rest is the rest of coffee with kids... Yes, oops, I drink coffee with kids. I drink coffee with African kids (My Kadie says, 'Does your coffee have chocolate today?' Only an adopted Ethiopian child understands the hint of chocolate flavor naturally in some coffees... Africans are connoisseurs).
(Kadie and I coffeeing it up after we cleaned up a problem:)

(Kids from "Open Arms" in South Africa joining me for my 'coffee break'.)

I drink coffee with Italian kids (these guys prefer espresso... seriously...)
 (Marinos)

I drink coffee with Russians (usually instant out there in Siberia, but still very good -regardless of whether you see the mug or not, these pictures are of coffee gatherings):

And I drink coffee with just plain old American kids -that's just life with Aunt Mary. That's awesome.

In fact, I love coffee so much that the kids think my hermit vocation is drinking coffee and eating chocolate with Jesus (hence the picture):

Sometimes God calls us to little spurts of rest in the spiritual life (like an hour or two in the midst of a spiritually hectic day) and sometimes He calls us to a bigger rest (like a few months or a year in a spiritually hectic life). The big rest is what people take when they go on sabbatical. I've lived such an intense spiritual life that I think Jesus wants me to step out of the hermitage with my heart still connected to it and into the world of people so that in years to come I can re-enter the hermit life stronger. Whoever says that a contemplative or hermit life is easy has never lived it and is probably just crazy because its a battleground and boot-camp indescribable. I love my hermitage and I am keeping it as a place to withdraw for periods of time, but right now I'm stepping into the world with a cloistered heart so as to catch my breath and so that in the future I can pray better.

People have a lot of misconceptions about the hermit life. Yes, there is greater silence and solitude than in a worldly life -yet hermits are people and people need to remain grounded and 'earthy' even while their minds are contemplating big things with Jesus. I will carry my hermit heart into the world so that the Holy Spirit has a resting place in the midst of a city for a time. I ask you to pray that the good Lord arranges everything and provides what I need (someone must not like my gofundme idea because I can't seem to connect with people the way God would want.) With Jesus and prayer, everything is possible. Thank you for praying for me (even if you all don't understand me all of the time.) Someday I'll do a retreat for people wanting to learn about (and experience) a hermit life for a few hours or days. We need work and prayer, heaven and earth, Martha and Mary to be knit together in our lives just like Our Lady lived both in a perfectly balanced way.

Thank you for your prayers. Even if you can't afford to financially support me, we can all afford to pray for each other. + Amen. +